<3 to everyone who commented on my last post.

Seriously, I posted in this blog (instead of the makeup blog) because I know this one has a much smaller readership, and I really just wanted to vent to myself. I didn't expect to get any comments at all!

I think I'm feeling a bit better. My attendance record for this past week has been a personal best :D I also bought tickets to Atlanta to see Denis over my spring break. It happens to be that his spring break is the week after mine, so we're flying back together. Aside from catching up on some much-needed cuddle time, I plan to take the time I'll be in Atlanta to interview/chat up some professors. You know, charm them in ways that my application can't...

Personal first for me that I can't seem to express myself in writing. My applications to all my schools are currently in a state of suck.

I think once I get my GaTech app out the door, I'll feel much better. I can't stand having it over my head, like Damocles' sword. The worst part: I have a final tomorrow; it's a make-up from last semester because my last final was cancelled by snow. I can't seem to work up the motivation to study for it, but I probably should. Also, I'm hungry. It's going to be a long, long night.

I feel like there is something wrong with me, but I can't quite put a finger on it.

I don't want to do anything and I don't want to even talk to people. I'm not sure why, but the idea of throwing myself deeper into my schoolwork seems more and more appealing these days.

This semester, I'm taking two 400-level biology classes, a lab, and 2 literature classes. Between the two literature classes alone, I have around 300 pages a week of reading expected. As the two 400-level biology classes... well, let's just say that I somehow discovered that a work ethic and consistent attendance in class do wonders. I got an A over my winter term, and surprisingly didn't put much effort into it. Simply keeping up with the work was enough to prep me for the course - whodathunk?! Maybe I am cut out for this biology thing after all.

I think this is the first time in my life that I've actually felt engaged with the field of biology. I WANT to go to class, and I WANT to listen to lectures. I've been struggling with the idea of going to grad school these past few months, because I figured that since I didn't do well in undergrad, there's no way I'd do well in graduate school. I'm starting to see things differently, though. Now I'm all for going to grad school, but panicking about whether or not my applications will be well-received. The part that blows my mind the most: my instructor over winter term emailed me after the term was finished, and told me that he thought I'd make a great grad student. Seems like a lot of people have the kind of confidence in me that I wish I had for myself...

I think, mostly, my problem is that I'm not dealing very well with Denis being gone. I miss him. He misses me. We do call each other often, but it's not the same as him being here. We've never been apart for longer than a week since we've started dating. Having him in Georgia is very... different from what I'm used to. I both simultaneously crave and fear human contact. I went drinking with my ex-roommate last weekend - she says I get inappropriately flirtatious when I am drunk. And it's true that I make friends with males a lot more easily than with females of my own age. I guess I'm afraid that without Denis around, I'll cross some invisible line of impropriety and...

... nevermind. I do get irritated a lot because I want to be alone more often (I don't normally spend a lot of time with anyone other than Denis) but I also get annoyed because I just don't have anything to DO anymore. Other than homework, that is. I've resorted to taking my car apart -- I'm planning to install a stereo system sometime this weekend. By myself. Already did all the wiring for it. I probably would've been good at the engineering thing if I felt inclined to pursue it.

I wonder if I've spent so much time building up my dislike for biology, feeling forced into it, that I've lost all sight of the possibilities that I do have open to me. My dad said to me earlier, "I don't expect you to do anything beyond your ability to do -- but I do want you to do them to the best of your ability." Maybe it's time for me to rethink my approach and look at the future afresh.

BUSTED.

Hi Professor Kahn,

I took your BCHM463 course over the summer, and I think I did okay in the class (I managed a B+, which actually came as a surprise to me) so I'm thinking of taking BHCM464 and 465 next spring since I enjoyed the subject matter.

I'm a bit concerned, however, about whether I'd be ready for the course even though I'll have technically fulfilled the prerequisites. I know BCHM463 is already an abbreviated form of 461 and 462 smooshed together, and on top of that, rushing through the subject in 6 weeks doesn't make for great retention. I'd like to have your opinion on whether this would be a good idea, or if I'd be better off taking another course to fulfill my requirements.

His response:

Hi May,

Thanks for writing, and congratulations on doing well in 463. Dr. Julin did mention that you might have done better if you had come to class more often...

464 and 465 are actually fairly independent of 461/462/463. If you remember what a protein is, what an enzyme is, what a binding constant is, you should be okay for 464 and 465. Note that they are not easy classes -- they are intended for Biochem majors. (In fact, you may or may not be able to get into 464 -- the majors certainly have preference.)

Damn. Didn't even know they noticed. I sat at the back of the class for a reason!

And it was really only the last 2 weeks of the class I stopped showing up...

Trying out a new sleep schedule

-Get home from school
-Sleep until 2AM
-Wakeup and do homework until school
-Go to school
-Repeat

This has the upside of preventing adderall from messing with my sleep cycles (as it tends to do if I take it after 5PM) but also preventing me from procrastinating. I have this nasty habit of coming home and then planning to do homework, but not ever actually getting around to it because I feel like I "deserve a break" after a long hard day at school.

Hopefully this works out. Problem is that I've been waking up at 4:30, not 2 -___- Need to start setting alarms.

I don't want to admit that I've wasted the past two and a half year of my life on someone who was just really, really good at telling me what I wanted to hear.

I'm gonna go have a cigarette and think about it.