I feel like there is something wrong with me, but I can't quite put a finger on it.

I don't want to do anything and I don't want to even talk to people. I'm not sure why, but the idea of throwing myself deeper into my schoolwork seems more and more appealing these days.

This semester, I'm taking two 400-level biology classes, a lab, and 2 literature classes. Between the two literature classes alone, I have around 300 pages a week of reading expected. As the two 400-level biology classes... well, let's just say that I somehow discovered that a work ethic and consistent attendance in class do wonders. I got an A over my winter term, and surprisingly didn't put much effort into it. Simply keeping up with the work was enough to prep me for the course - whodathunk?! Maybe I am cut out for this biology thing after all.

I think this is the first time in my life that I've actually felt engaged with the field of biology. I WANT to go to class, and I WANT to listen to lectures. I've been struggling with the idea of going to grad school these past few months, because I figured that since I didn't do well in undergrad, there's no way I'd do well in graduate school. I'm starting to see things differently, though. Now I'm all for going to grad school, but panicking about whether or not my applications will be well-received. The part that blows my mind the most: my instructor over winter term emailed me after the term was finished, and told me that he thought I'd make a great grad student. Seems like a lot of people have the kind of confidence in me that I wish I had for myself...

I think, mostly, my problem is that I'm not dealing very well with Denis being gone. I miss him. He misses me. We do call each other often, but it's not the same as him being here. We've never been apart for longer than a week since we've started dating. Having him in Georgia is very... different from what I'm used to. I both simultaneously crave and fear human contact. I went drinking with my ex-roommate last weekend - she says I get inappropriately flirtatious when I am drunk. And it's true that I make friends with males a lot more easily than with females of my own age. I guess I'm afraid that without Denis around, I'll cross some invisible line of impropriety and...

... nevermind. I do get irritated a lot because I want to be alone more often (I don't normally spend a lot of time with anyone other than Denis) but I also get annoyed because I just don't have anything to DO anymore. Other than homework, that is. I've resorted to taking my car apart -- I'm planning to install a stereo system sometime this weekend. By myself. Already did all the wiring for it. I probably would've been good at the engineering thing if I felt inclined to pursue it.

I wonder if I've spent so much time building up my dislike for biology, feeling forced into it, that I've lost all sight of the possibilities that I do have open to me. My dad said to me earlier, "I don't expect you to do anything beyond your ability to do -- but I do want you to do them to the best of your ability." Maybe it's time for me to rethink my approach and look at the future afresh.